Why You Should Bring Your Best Friends to Therapy

For so many queer and transgender people, our friends become our chosen family. Research shows that when folks are integrated into the LGBTQ community, it can lead to an increased feeling of social and psychological well-being. (Kertzner, Meyer, Frost & Stirratt, 2009) For a more in-depth breakdown of chosen families, read more here. 

Unfortunately, this means that we bring our baggage from our biological families to those relationships. The way our families treated us growing up shapes how we are in adult relationships.  A small example I have seen is a friend who was parentified by the adults around her; she now carries snacks in her purse for all her friends. In this example, this might be affecting your friendships in a positive way. 

This is a tough pill to swallow, but I want to share some wisdom that I’ve learned through being a therapist and a client- we attract people similar to our biological families in order to find a way to heal that wounding. 

Maybe your aunties all gossiped relentlessly about each other, and now you find yourself gossiping about your friends but never bringing up your own issues with them. Maybe your parents screamed at you while they were under the influence, and now you’re getting into screaming matches with your chosen family when there are substances involved. 

Queer people have the capacity to be a safe place for each other in the storm of the world around us. However, I have found that we tend to hurt the ones who are closest to us the most. Queer people experience a type of chronic stress called minority stress. (Lewis, 2024) This is amplified if you carry other marginalized identities. With few outlets for this chronic stress, it often gets turned and weaponized at each other and our chosen families. 

This is why I offer family therapy for chosen family. The potential to heal familial wounding is possible even if your biological family is not in the room. We can explore the dynamics together that are getting in the way of your chosen family being a safe place for you. I offer this service because I know it would’ve helped me so much in different iterations of friendships and chosen family. 

I have trained extensively in a variety of issues affecting LGBTQIIA+ folks. I was lucky enough to have my early training as a therapist at a queer agency (shout out Queer Life Space!) I have also been out as queer for over 12 years. Through my personal experience, I have navigated building queer family through heartache and joy. 

If you’re over 16, in California, and interested in individual/relationship therapy, I am currently accepting clients at my practice. The best way to contact me is via email at jayklyman@proton.me. I have information about all of my offerings on my website www.jayklymantherapy.com